A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen!
THE 41 RULES THAT MEN WANT WOMEN TO LIVE BY: 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the Perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, you should expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is weakness. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to be moved. 16. Your brother is an idiot and your ex-boyfriend is more of an idiot. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. He never will mark anniversaries on a calendar. No, he doesn't know what day it is. 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes, deal with it 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. Why would you think we'd be any good at deciding which one of your 30 pair look good with your dress? 21. YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mum doesn't have to be OUR best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your own oil. 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. DON'T FAKE IT. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don't dress like the Melrose girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Looking is not a crime. Yes some women look better than you, some not as good. That's life. 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 34. You may ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was during our first two months. 41. Anyone can buy condoms.[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Men know..... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. Men know..... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house. Men know..... that if she looks like your mother, run. Men know..... that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. Men know..... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win. Men know..... that cats are evil and cannot be trusted. Men know..... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game. Men know..... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them. Men know..... that from time to time, is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself. Men know..... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them. Men know..... that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them Men know..... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi... Men know..... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed. Men know..... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
"Darling," says a husband coyly, with a twinkle in his eye. "Let's swap positions tonight." "What a great idea," she replied. You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
Man Dictionary: "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. Lab materials are extra!!! FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Well at extreme risk to life and limb and at deep personal expense I was able to steal a copy of this document. Guys, this is the most top-secret document in the world of women today and I may well be assassinated for revealing these deep secrets. But guys, somebody had to do it. (BTW: If anybody is looking for me I have a feeling that I should be as inconspicuous as possible for a while). **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** *********** In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. Do something she expects, and you don't get any points. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES: You make the bed......................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1 You leave the toilet seat up...........-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom....-2 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5 In the snow........................................+8 But return with beer....................................-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night...........0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10 It's her pet.................................................-10 Social Engagements: PARTY: You stay by her side the entire party...................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.-2 Named Tiffany........-4 Tiffany is a dancer....-6 Tiffany has implants...-8 HER BIRTHDAY: You take her out to dinner..............0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS: Go with a pal.........................-5 The pal is happily married..........-4 Or frighteningly single............-7 And he drives a Mustang.......-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15 A NIGHT OUT: You take her to a movie.............+2 You take her to a movie she likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 You take her to a movie you like....-2 It's called Death Cop 3..........-3 Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15 YOUR PHYSIQUE: You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.............................-30 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-800 THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding.........-10 You reply, "Where?"...........-35 Any other response.............-20 COMMUNICATION: When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0 You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+100 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...........-200
Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary -------------------------------------- "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." "I need you." == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys." == "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." == "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." "I don't know if I like her." == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much." == "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!" "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" == "I gotta turn on my answering machine."