Some people ask the most stupid questions but the answers are good!!!!! These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ==== Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ==== Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ==== Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ==== Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ==== Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ==== Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ==== Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? ==== Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ==== Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ==== Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ==== Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ==== Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ==== Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ==== Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ==== Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ==== Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ==== Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ==== Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked,"What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Airline Shuffle During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time." A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. You may find it interesting:
"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, deluded, and other liberal bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, weíre just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, donít be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, donít be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still wonít have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You donít have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and wonít lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if youíd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You donít have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."
A freshman at a high school won the greater idaho falls science fair for his experiment demonstrating people's gullibility. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, the student urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "Dihydrogen Monoxide" for the following good reasons: 1: It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2: It is a major compnent in acid rain 3: It can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state 4: Accidental inhalation can kill you 5: It contributes to erosion 6: It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7: It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical: 43 said yes 6 were undecided only ONE knew that the chemical was water