Stupid Signs and Ads
Silly Warning Labels & Signs
A prescription of sleeping pills that says, "Warning: May cause
drowsiness"
A warning label found on a baby stroller: "Remove child before
folding"
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter that cautions, "Do not use near fire
or flame"
A label on a hand-held massager advising consumers not to use "while
sleeping or unconscious"
A cartridge for a laser printer which warns, "Do not eat toner"
A hair dryer label that warned: "Never use while sleeping"
On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands"
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner, no purchase necessary,
rules inside"
On a packet of nuts served by an airline: "Instructions: Open packet
and eat nuts"
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost before eating"
On packaging for an electric iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"
On Nytol, a sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
On a Korean-made kitchen knife: "Warning, keep out of children"
At a gas station: "We will not sell gasoline to anyone in a gas
container"
A hospital maternity ward: "No children allowed"
A loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament, Ears pierced"
A restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends"
In a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see
that the perpetual light is extinguished"
Church Bulletins
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
Tonight's Sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
The Diet Club will meet Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. Please use the
large double door at the side entrance.
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in
newspapers:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988
MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
-----------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
---------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-----------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
-------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN
AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
------------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
------------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
------------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
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