16 more days. And I will again know your loving gaze. And I will again be able to drink you in with my eyes.

16 more days. And I will again know your sweet touch. And my hands will know the feel of your soft skin.

16 more days. And my lips will again know the taste your sweet kisses. And my lips will again know the taste of your creamy skin.

16 more days. And I will again know the joy of our bodies pleasing each other.

16 more days. And I will be home.

I bought her jewelry.

I felt cheap by comparison.

This is part of what I wrote back to her. The rest of it is only for her. No, it wasn’t naughty, just private

I know it’s posted after Valentine’s Day, but I wanted to make sure she read it, and read all of it, before she saw a chunk of it splattered out in public.

And no – I don’t use my shift keys for email…

———————-

you have filled my life with light and hope. you have lifted my soul from the depth of my numb hell and i have glimpsed heaven in your love, have felt bliss in your arms, have tasted joy in your sweet kisses, and know why i live in giving myself to you.

…

you are worthy of love, my soul mate, and you deserve a love that:

– is because of who you are

– you never have to question

– does not pass judgement

– is not impatient

– is freely given

– is as deep and as true as the love you give.

I think of you always and thinking of us together makes me ache for you.

But it also warms my heart and brings comfort to my soul knowing that soon:

… I will know your loving gaze again

… I will feel your arms around me again

… I will feel you in my arms again

… I will taste your lips again

… I will feel the soft warmth of you against my body

… I will kiss you to sleep and tell you I love you as we wake

… we will be together.

Being apart is only temporary. Being together is our future, my sweet love.

6 short, short days.

Fate and Karma, my twin bitch watchdogs, were up to their usual hi-jinks. A water main break at Washington Reagan airport and I know that my first flight is canceled as I am walking into the airport.

But I am unfazed – I have no fear or doubt. My heart is light and my will is strong. “I will be in your arms tonight,” I tell you early in the morning as I am waiting for the bad news at the first airport.

A complete new flight plan with changes in both departure and destination airports simply mean a 12 hour arrival delay.

The sunrise is gorgeous over the hills of Pennsylvania as I drive between airports.

Then the waiting begins. I buy, read, and finish a book I’ve been meaning to read. I buy you yet another gift. I field a couple of fretting phone calls from worried parents.

My flight is delayed. It is going to make my connection tight as hell. I text you to let you know that you may not hear from me between flights but we will be together soon.

On the plane the flight crew talks to us about connections. They are making some very nice accommodations. They don’t mention my next flight so I ask. It’s the same plane and crew. I think I’ll make my second flight without a problem.

It’s been a long day when I land the second time. I should be exhausted from the stress, the driving, and the waiting. But I’m awake and thrilled to be so close to in your arms. Checked bags collected I call you to tell you I’m here.

A car rental and a short drive is all that is between us.

My GPS is getting a nice workout today. Glad my parents got it for me for Christmas

I pull into a country driveway, wondering if this rental car has enough clearance.

I’m greeted by 2 dogs as I get out of the car. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m strangely calm. Yes – my palms are sweaty again.

I’m 20 feet from your front door.

I hear your door open and the creak of your front steps.

And there you are, coming around the van parked between me and the house.

You are back lit from your house light. Your hair is glowing around you. Your hands are stuffed into your jacket pockets. You are smiling.

Time stands still as I walk towards you and take you into my arms, your arms finding their way around my back. You feel good in my arms. You feel right in my arms. You feel like you belong in my arms.

The world falls away.

I have no memory of my first words to you. I remember having to tell myself to breathe.

But I remember our first kiss. And the split-second of panic that I rushed it until you lean into me and our lips meet. Our first kiss is both brief and timeless. It is a moment that holds a lifetime of promise. In that moment everything I feel for you comes together in my core. In that moment I have no doubt, no self-fear, no arrogance – just the love I have for you, the joy in my soul of knowing your touch, and the certainty of our future together.

One kiss turns to many and then our faces are buried in each other’s necks as we simply hold each other tight. This is what I have dreamed of. This is what I have longed for. Knowing your presence. Feeling you real against me. Tasting your breath as you speak.

You tell me you have to take your son to work in about an hour as we walk towards the house. I tell you that I’ll come with if you like.

Sitting on your couch that first hour waiting for your son to get ready for work, I feel like I am 16, on a different couch, one ear listening for my parents to come down the stairs. Who are the adults here?

And so begins the best week of my life. In many ways, this is the first week of my life. My new life that has been born of our love.

Things that surprised me:

– Your height, even though I knew it. And I told you it would still surprise me.

– Your strength. I already knew the strength of your love and of your soul but I was unprepared for your physical strength. Even though I know you run and work out and I had told you it will take me a year to catch up to you.

– How quickly I became comfortable in your presence. Even though we both retained a teen-aged awkward nervousness throughout the week.

– Not having a surprise visit from your daughters.

Most often recurring memory: hand in hand walking through Walmart, your red hair bouncing, smile lighting your face and making your eyes sparkle.

Sweetest memory: feeling your lips on mine, each of us distracting the other as a short “walk-by” kiss is prolonged.

Funniest moment: ( smirk )

Silliest synchronicity: both of us realizing, at about the same time, that neither of us took any pictures of the other.

What I miss the most: having you in my arms, our bodies warm and relaxed against each other as we go to sleep. And then feeling and seeing you as I wake. Knowing the comfort that love sleeps and wakes beside me.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done: watching you get into the car and drive away from the airport.

Being with you … feels like home

My hands long to brush the hair from your face.

My eyes long to look into yours.

My body longs to feel you against me.

My lips long to cover your face with soft kisses.

I long to feel your loving caress as we welcome each other into a new day together.

I don’t know how I can miss seeing eyes that have never seen me.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the shine of hair that has never seen Arizona sun.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the touch of hands that have never felt my skin.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the feel of arms around me that have never held me.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss seeing your love for me in your eyes when we have never exchanged a glance.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss you beside me as we fall asleep when we have never shared a bed.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss waking up beside you when I have never seen morning sun caress your face.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the feel of your lips on mine when I have yet to taste them.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the feel of your hands on my face when your hands have never touched my skin.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss the feel of your fingers intertwined with mine when we have never held hands.
But I do.

I don’t know how I can miss you so much.
But I do.

…that i have given my heart to you.

…that my soul is your refuge.

…that your voice brings me joy.

…that your love brings me comfort.

…that your happiness makes me smile.

…that your pain makes me weep.

…that i am counting down the days until your arms are around me.

…that i ache without you.

…that i love you.

…I am strong.

…I am loved.

…I am cherished.

…My heart is strengthened.

…My soul is comforted.

…My spirit is at peace.

…I know joy.

…I am happy.

We are finally going to meet. As each day passes, I find myself thinking about what I look forward to when I am finally with the woman to whom I have given my heart and who calms my soul.

Written to her, as this is how the thoughts come into my mind…

What I’m looking forward to:

– Having my breath taken away the first time I see you.

– Seeing your eyes – seeing the love you have for me in them.

– Watching the color of your eyes change with your mood.

– Hearing your full voice and laugh, not just what the phone carries to my ears.

– Seeing the way your hair moves when you walk, when you laugh, or when you put your head down and shake it when I do something blonde.

– Finally getting to see you blush.

– Cooking for you – watching you eat. I love to please the people I love with food.

– Taking pictures together – the desert has a beauty of its own – as stark as your home is lush.

– The sound of your voice as you sing to yourself when you think no one can hear you.

– The way your hand will feel in mine, our fingers intertwined.

– The way your arms will feel around me.

– The way your hands will feel on my face.

– The way you will feel in my arms.

– The way your head will fit on my shoulder as we embrace.

– The feel of your hair in my face.

– Your smell.

– The feel of your face in my hands.

– The softness of your lips against mine.

– Feeling you snuggled against me – talking through the night.

– The rhythm of your breathing as you sleep.

– Seeing, caressing, and kissing the scars you have told me you carry. Wishing I could take away the pain some of them represent but knowing that the pain defines who you are and I love who you are.

– Being overwhelmed by you – surrendering completely to your love.

I work with computers. At an early age I learned to program and enjoy being able to make the little beasties do what I want, when I want, as often as I want. We geeks live to make computers sing and dance to our tune and we are all control freaks to some large extent.

So it shouldn’t be surprising that…

I’ve been both sides of a controlling relationship. I know too well both the insecurities that drive putting controls on another and the resentment and rebellion of having controls put on me.

In my first relationship I was the control. I needed to know where she was all the time she wasn’t with me. I needed to know who she was with, what they did, even what she was wearing. I needed to know what she was thinking and planning. I called it love and interest but it was obsession driven by insecurity and fear. I was insecure of my own worth to be loved. I was afraid that she would know my unworthiness and find someone worthy of her love.

I can not justify my behavior and I will not try to. I will share the motivation behind it. I was afraid of being forgotten – of being left behind. This is my core fear. We all have one or two things that haunt us through our lives and this is mine.

In my last marriage I became the controlled. The tendency always existed between us and her addiction brought it out full-force. Some of the control was more subtle than what I had done – the emotional closeness her addiction required became a control. I stopped doing things out of the house seemingly of my own choice “because she needed me there” but her need was the control. Some of the control I recognized from the other side – having to account for my time out of the house or even spent in another room – fear driven just as mine had been.

In both cases control came down to who made decisions. Being the controller, I wanted to make all the decisions, hers and mine, including who she spent time with. Being the controlled I either had my decisions made for me by her actions or had to justify every decision, no matter how minor, I made. I learned two behaviors to re-establish control. I would either make and act on a decision and weather the storm that followed (easier to ask forgiveness than permission). Or I would not share a pending decision until she could have no input or impact on my choice.

I’ve lived both sides, most recently as the controlled. And I find myself in a very peculiar state of mind. Decisions I do not want to face I find very easy to simply give up control of – to defer making them. Decisions I have no fear of I want to own completely – I obsess about. I would have expected to approach all decisions consistently.

Ahhh – the joys of being passive-aggressive.

No where is this more apparent to me than in my new relationship. I am seeking a balance of control. Both in terms of how much I give to her and not constraining her freedom to heal, grow, and thrive.

Wanting her to know of decisions in my life. Wanting to share the decision making process with her. Wanting her to be a partner in my decisions. Because some of my decisions will affect us. Expecting her to have and express an opinion. I want feedback to make sure that I haven’t forgotten to take something into account and/or to prevent decisions blinded/driven by an emotional response.

Wanting to know of decisions pending in her life. Because I care and am interested. Because some of her decisions will affect us. I will tell her what I think – I’m too arrogant to not express an opinion. I will tell her if I think one of the choices is dangerous to herself or her family, driven by emotion, or will in some other way harm her or someone she loves.

But I don’t want to make her decisions. I have enough of my own decisions to make and own – I don’t want to own hers.

And I don’t want her to make my decisions. She has enough of her own decisions without having the responsibility for mine thrust upon her.

I want us to be partners in each other’s decisions. Not controllers, but also not just spectators to each other’s decisions.

Finding this balance of sharing and retaining control is probably going to be the challenge that will arise for me the most over time. And I beg of her her continued indulgence and forgiveness.