How do I explain to you why a father and a step-father have left your life in its short 11 years? Yes, you are with your father now, but I remember watching your pain when you realized that he left you at birth. And I know you are miserable there.
I can explain with cold precision and exact dates the sequence and combinations of injuries, surgeries, and doctor fuck-ups that rendered mom weak. I can explain how mom ended up in the pit where the demon waits. I can explain exactly how the demon took hold. I now know more than my own doctor about pain, how the body and mind react to it, and how the meds work.
I can explain why it took me so long to realize the strength of the demon’s hold on mom. (It was hope)
But…
How do I explain that finding mom crumpled on the floor, unresponsive, was something you were never supposed to see?
How do I explain that the screaming and the harsh words directed at mom were the only tools (weapons?) I had to reach the part of mom still fighting *with* me instead of against me?
How do I explain my failure to shield you?
How do I explain that I did not throw mom out of the house because she is sick?
How do I explain that some sick can only be cured by the person afflicted?
How do I explain that some sick you can’t cure with love, kisses, or stuffed elephants left on her bed?
How do I explain that the energy I was supposed to give to you during this, a critical time of your life, was drained by stress?
How do I explain not being strong enough?
How do I explain that sometimes knowing what is right and doing what is right isn’t enough for the right outcome to occur?
How do I explain not being smart enough?
How do I explain that my rage is at my own failure, never at you?
How do I explain and undo the harsh words you heard about me from mom’s family that first month? They have all come to understand and have even apologized to me. Have they apologized to you?
How do I explain that even knowing the effect this has had on you and your brother is not enough for mom to fight the demon? How do I restore faith in the unconditional love of a parent?
How do I restore your innocence? How do I restore your belief that life is good and worth living well?
How do I remove the anger this has put in you?
How do I un-fail you?
I was able to help your brother come to understanding. He is a young adult now and was mature enough to be able to come to his own conclusions. He saw too much to not be told – to not know.
He told me it took about 3 weeks to understand that if I was telling him everything that the end of our family was drawing near. He became my rock. A scared boy-man whose life had already been scarred by disabilities delivered in the first days of his life. It was a horrible burden he took on being my only supporter and I can never do enough to repay him.
And that is the best answer I can give you. Look to your brother through this, and in all things. His instincts are true, he will never lie to you, he loves you, and he will follow you to Hell to protect you.
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