About a week ago, while listening to It’s Been Awhile by Staind a three line verse jumped out at me:
Why must I feel this way
Please make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
and it made me wonder if my late wife felt this way as she lost her battle to addiction. And if she did, why didn’t she let any of us reach her, help her?
And a light went on that potentially solved the puzzle that she had become the last month of her life.
I think she knew her body was dying, that it was happening fast. And I think she accepted it. It explains why she seemed so suddenly alert and aware of what had happened – she was making her peace, as best as she could, with those of us that would still talk to her. It explains why she didn’t call for help her last night.
And somehow, it brought me a fragment of peace that she at least made a decision in her death. That she wasn’t blindsided by it.
Sometimes pain from the past can be cleansing.
And then yesterday, my nephew posted a status on Facebook which spawned the discussion which follows, primarily between myself and one of my late wife’s sisters.
It felt good to purge, and the detached part of my brain found it interesting to see where the sister was in her grieving and acceptance, knowing that I was there not long ago.
Published without their permission:
Nephew: days go by that i can avoid thinking of my aunt, but when the mind is free to wonder… 
Sister: Yeah that. It’s still not real to me. I hate being a ghoul, as my ex brother would say…but if I had seen her body, it would have perhaps made it more real, like it did with Nana… I had a dream that she was in, and someone told me “she’s dead, you know”, and I bout tore their head off…called them a liar, with a few adjectives thrown in there… for good measure…
I dunno, maybe if she hadn’t closed everyone off it would be easier for me to accept–course maybe if she hadn’t closed everyone off, she would still be alive.
Me: That type of circular thinking only leads into a downward spiral. No matter how incomprehensible, we have to accept that she made her own choices, including shutting us out. Some days it’s easier to put the responsibility on her, where it belongs. But every day I question myself and my role.
Sister: It may have been easier if they would have come out with the cause of death as well…she was just another dope fiend to the city/county…blow her off…to drop dead at her age was anything but “natural”…no mention of these “masses” on her lungs that she talked to me about the week before she died…nothing. and she sounded so alert and so … positive that she could kick this thing…but I also know that she had a huge stash…with more to come…
what a waste. In the new system, when she is resurrected, I am so kicking her butt….
Me: the last 3-4 weeks she was alert and positive even though her body was obviously failing. it was a puzzle to me until about a week ago.
they gave her early cellulitus when they did the lung biopsy. i think she knew her body was shutting down and made the choice to let it happen.
it might be wrong, but i feel better thinking that she at least made a choice. even if the choice made no sense….
and i hope and tell myself that in her last moments, there was at least a brief, final instant of relief for her in this life.
Me: and (nephew) probably wishes we would shut the hell up 
Sister: So another family member virtually murdered by the incompetence of medical care in Arizona? I swear they’re trying to off people on publicly funded insurance….she’s at peace more so now than if she had lived and had gone through the fight to get clean. I should be happy with that at least…then there are my nephews, who should have never been put through this at all…the whole situation makes my head hurt…
Sister: Hey, he opened the floodgates!
Nephew: haha indeed i did break the dam. im fine. just had a sad moment where i had nothing to do
Sister: Your Grandma could find something for you to clean…we never dared say we had nothing to do, just ask your mom.
I miss her too…but I started missed her a good three years before she died…
Nephew: ya true, such a waste of a powerful soul. i know how she thought, how her mind worked. i understand why she did what she did. but im disappointed in her inability to arise from her selfish depression.
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