In the last two days I have read two writings that deal with the damage that control in a relationship brings. And it made me reflect on my own issues with control.
I work with computers. At an early age I learned to program and enjoy being able to make the little beasties do what I want, when I want, as often as I want. We geeks live to make computers sing and dance to our tune and we are all control freaks to some large extent.
So it shouldn’t be surprising that…
I’ve been both sides of a controlling relationship. I know too well both the insecurities that drive putting controls on another and the resentment and rebellion of having controls put on me.
In my first relationship I was the control. I needed to know where she was all the time she wasn’t with me. I needed to know who she was with, what they did, even what she was wearing. I needed to know what she was thinking and planning. I called it love and interest but it was obsession driven by insecurity and fear. I was insecure of my own worth to be loved. I was afraid that she would know my unworthiness and find someone worthy of her love.
I can not justify my behavior and I will not try to. I will share the motivation behind it. I was afraid of being forgotten – of being left behind. This is my core fear. We all have one or two things that haunt us through our lives and this is mine.
In my last marriage I became the controlled. The tendency always existed between us and her addiction brought it out full-force. Some of the control was more subtle than what I had done – the emotional closeness her addiction required became a control. I stopped doing things out of the house seemingly of my own choice “because she needed me there” but her need was the control. Some of the control I recognized from the other side – having to account for my time out of the house or even spent in another room – fear driven just as mine had been.
In both cases control came down to who made decisions. Being the controller, I wanted to make all the decisions, hers and mine, including who she spent time with. Being the controlled I either had my decisions made for me by her actions or had to justify every decision, no matter how minor, I made. I learned two behaviors to re-establish control. I would either make and act on a decision and weather the storm that followed (easier to ask forgiveness than permission). Or I would not share a pending decision until she could have no input or impact on my choice.
I’ve lived both sides, most recently as the controlled. And I find myself in a very peculiar state of mind. Decisions I do not want to face I find very easy to simply give up control of – to defer making them. Decisions I have no fear of I want to own completely – I obsess about. I would have expected to approach all decisions consistently.
Ahhh – the joys of being passive-aggressive.
No where is this more apparent to me than in my new relationship. I am seeking a balance of control. Both in terms of how much I give to her and not constraining her freedom to heal, grow, and thrive.
Wanting her to know of decisions in my life. Wanting to share the decision making process with her. Wanting her to be a partner in my decisions. Because some of my decisions will affect us. Expecting her to have and express an opinion. I want feedback to make sure that I haven’t forgotten to take something into account and/or to prevent decisions blinded/driven by an emotional response.
Wanting to know of decisions pending in her life. Because I care and am interested. Because some of her decisions will affect us. I will tell her what I think – I’m too arrogant to not express an opinion. I will tell her if I think one of the choices is dangerous to herself or her family, driven by emotion, or will in some other way harm her or someone she loves.
But I don’t want to make her decisions. I have enough of my own decisions to make and own – I don’t want to own hers.
And I don’t want her to make my decisions. She has enough of her own decisions without having the responsibility for mine thrust upon her.
I want us to be partners in each other’s decisions. Not controllers, but also not just spectators to each other’s decisions.
Finding this balance of sharing and retaining control is probably going to be the challenge that will arise for me the most over time. And I beg of her her continued indulgence and forgiveness.
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